whirlwind.

Wow.. everything is happening so fast. Still can’t believe I’m even here!!! It’s amazing. There’s so much to say. God is moving… it’s beautiful. I’ve experienced such a whirlwind of emotion this past week. I got homesick kinda… and i didn’t think i would! I’m okay though, it comes in cycles. This place is so incredible though- so I don’t miss home too often. I feel like the dust has settled. The excitement and craziness of being here is just becoming more of a reality to me. And i love it. My eyes are fixed. 

Found out yesterday that we’re all going to Thailand to finish out our lecture phase! We’re going all together- both teams..for like two weeks, then we’ll split up. One team going to Indonesia/Malaysia and one going to Bangladesh and back to Thailand (which is my team). Kinda can’t wait!!!!! but, also loving this lecture phase.. it’s so good. SO much to learn. 

This past week I’ve been spending a whole lot of time in prayer. I feel burdened to pray.. for so much. It’s been so powerful. I’m slapped in the face with the fact that I have to be nothing before Him. I have to die to my desires every…single…moment. This life not one bit about me! So i empty myself.

Realized that I am here to intercede. There’s sin on one side. God on the other- and a massive gap in between the two. and that is exactly where I am. I am in that gap- bridging it. Because that is why I am here. I’m chosen for that. “My house shall be called a house of prayer”…. WHAT if we actually lived this way? Let go of ourselves and emptied ourselves daily.. to be filled with His heart.  

There is nothing greater than this…. It’s the secret to His heart. He’s waiting for the church to finally become His bride. Sadly, we’ve lost the reality of the power of prayer. but wowwww.. it’s so powerful. Please grab ahold of this, my friends. It’s why we were breathed into and given life- to love, to carry eachother’s burdens…and to give them over to Jesus. 

There’s a lot of people that have given me words here… words from God. Here’s one (i share this to show you that God speaks. and He’s moving): 

“Ashleigh, precious daughter of mine. You are so beautiful to me. You are more precious than silver or gold- you are priceless. There’s no one else quite like you. You have a heart to know Me, and walk with me and that blesses Me. You are a flower in my garden and will be a beautiful aroma for me. You’re like a white rose with no thorns who is blooming beautifully. I rejoice over you with singing and as you abide in Me I will quiet you with my love. (Zeph. 3:17) You are my daughter. My princess, get prepared to be My bride. Dance to me, my daughter. Come aside with me and listen to me. Your life will bring hope and healing to many; reach out to the poor and needy with My love. I love you..and need you. Your hands will be my hands- your tears, Mine. The joy of the Lord will be your strength. Trust Me, my daughter. I love spending time with you. Hide under My wings when things get rough, and always remember the power of prayer. I love you”.

So this lady, Donna, is here speaking to us this week. She’s wonderful. Hears the voice of God and is teaching us how to do that. Every morning she prays for us and writes down what God tells her. That was what He had for me. I was so humbled.. so thankful for that. 

Every person that has prayed over me and given me words or visions from God, has mentioned a flower. At first I was thinking it was kind of weird and not fitting for me.but i love it. and every single one has mentioned the idea of my worship and prayer being like a pleasing aroma to Him. One mentioned a night blooming jasmine. How lovely…. Another thing that I’ve been noticing about my worship and time with Him is that I always end up weeping when He is present. I just…cry. And i started to get frustrated with it. But- God has confirmed that it is Him within me… once again the whole idea of bridging this gap between God and sin. Intercession. It’s a beautiful thing. 

So, this is where I am. I’ve lost myself. My old self. and I have a new heart. A new mind. A new set of eyes. New hands. and feet. This whole time is such a breath of fresh air!! i love it!

I miss you all a lot. a lot a lot a lot. 

Mmm.. just really powerful stuff. I’m blown away. My mind is exploding.. so is my heart. It’s so good. He’s meeting me.. in ways I’ve never known.

so the journey begins.

We started our lecture phase this past week! OHHH my goodness- so good. An abundance of information and experiences so far, and it’s really just a whole lot to process. I just wanna share some things i’ve learned.

A lot of the discussion was on Intimacy. I’ve talked about and thought about intimacy a lot, but I feel like my view of it has been somewhat askew. Moments i thought were intimate with God, and even with people, were not because of what I based it on.

Because we can expose all of the depths of ourselves to someone, or God, and still not be intimate with Him. It’s not all about me telling everything about myself…because it must be also received. Too often I count an intimate moment as me spilling my heart or emotions out..when intimacy is rooted in the giving AND receiving of that. 

As far as being intimate with God- I’ve come to see I must allow myself to go there. It’s a choice. And when I get to that place of choosing to go there- i feel vulnerable…and then become broken. In this brokenness is such a sweet release! and i witnessed that this week. All of us, as a group- were broken. like nothing i’ve ever even seen. It was beautiful..and scary. 

Intimacy takes sacrifice. In order for God to speak or move within me- I have to get rid of this crap that blinds my eyes and makes my ears deaf. So quite literally- every single morning, before my long day begins- i HAVE to choose to die to myself..and my fleshly desires. SO THAT He can be intimate with me, and I with Him. I realized some areas were I’ve been seeking intimacy, and a lot of it is in areas that don’t even matter- like people involved and other circumstances..just been evaluating my motives. Letting His intimacy with me just be enough. The word intimacy in Hebrew means “sitting with”…. hardly ever to I let that “sitting with” Him be sufficient for me or my day. 

All of these things are simple concepts, i know, but such good, fresh reminders to me this week. And i realized that I’ve been simply dipping my toe in this MASSIVE ocean, when He wants me to just jump in and let myself be engulfed by this overwhelming love. And, all too often, I settle for having a wet toe…. but I so badly want my body drenched in Him. 

Also talked a lot about prayer. and wowwww I do not pray enough. There are so many things I desire God to do. So much to be done in my life and people around me. and i never even ASK it of Him! He tells us “Seek! And you shall find!”…so why is it that we don’t ask or seek Him in our situations?

I’ve felt burdened to pray fervently, and realized I hardly ever do. But, again, it’s a choice. A day by day, moment by moment, decision to be disciplined and taking God up on His promises! because they are there..waiting for us to choose to first believe that He can carry them out, and second to ask. I’ve attempted actually fervently praying, and realized that it is so very difficult because my mind is constantly elsewhere. This walk with Him… it’s no easy way, and I’m seeing that. It’s so good. 

So, that’s what i’ve been chewing on this week. Being here is SUCH a blessing… oh my goodness I LOVE it. :)

I’m here!!

Wow…… wow wow wow….. I’m here! And I still can’t really believe it. It’s absolutely crazy. I LOVE it..so much. It’s stunning- in every way. I find myself just sitting.. in awe because that’s all I feel I can do. There’s a lot to take in, really. My group is amazing.. we already love eachother.:) 

So the first few days we spent just hanging out..went to the beach and explored the town of Paia. The third day here we went on “Exodus”. This was a time of intense simplification, bonding, camping, hiking, being dirty… haha. We had no idea how long this would be.. they had us convinced it’d be forty days and nights!!! CRAZY. but… it was only three. It was crazy though. So many incredible memories. We only were able to have one pair of clothes, ate nothing but ramen noodles, plain oatmeal, hiked a HUGE mountain (hardest thing i’ve ever done. so glorious), slept in soaking wet sleeping bags due to rain in the middle of the night, somewhat bathed in a river, squatted over a hole dug to be a toilet (wonderful), laughed a whole lot (i peed my pants once), got absolutely FILTHY. mmmmm… it was amazing. there are photos on facebook. check ‘em. 

Such good time of silence..reflection..sorting out. Just being captivated by my Father. Here’s a journal entry.. a piece of my journey:

6/7/09. “Hallelujah. Here I am. In the middle of somewhere, gazing up at these massive mountains. I feel so small.. like a child, I am. and to Your feet I come. You have stolen me away to meet You here. YES! for such a time as this. Ohh, the glory of not having a single distraction. In this moment- I’ve found the secret to peace. to life. to abundance. It’s exactly this: mountains covered in lush green, misty clouds hiding the tops, chirping of birds, crisp wind, trickling river…. I sit here amazed. Breathless. Because right here is your heartbeat. Right here I get a tiny glimpse into You, Papa. Forgive me for the mess I’ve made this life… when here it is! Offered to abundantly. And it just takes a look. A quick peak into Your heart- then I’m captured.”

So today (6/10/09) we found out our possible outreach locations:

1. Bangladesh / Thailand

2. Indonesia / Malaysia

basically- I’m asking for your prayer as I need to decide which one. mmmm.. this adventure is SOOOOO glorious. I’m just…. without words.

Classes/lecture phase starts this week. I’ll keep you updated with what I’m learning. I love you all so badddd!!!